Tag Archives: God

Perfect In My Eyes

When we look in the mirror we either like what we see or we don’t like what we see.  We see flaws or we see perfection. It even goes beyond the physical aspects to character traits or even how we feel about ourselves. Our relationship with ourselves covers the entire spectrum from best buddy to worst critic.  Sometimes it evolves into a fatalistic obsession or a self-destructive streak.

Those who obsess about the way they look, spend hours preening, grooming and purchasing the latest skin products that promise to keep wrinkles away. Take it to an extreme and you have women making multiple trips to the plastic surgeon to fix different physical features which are perceived as “flaws”. Some just end up worse than when they started although they won’t admit it to anyone but can’t seem to break the cycle, all the time filling the coffers of the plastic surgeons.

Then some others are so unhappy with themselves that they need to constantly numb their senses to get through another day.  Alcohol, drugs, coffee and even junk food replaces a sober disposition and healthy mind. Before they know it the one-time thing becomes a go-to thing that comforts them or puts them in an alternative state of mind.

Still others don’t dabble in drugs or Botox but think there character needs a overhaul. Countless self-improvement classes don’t help them arrive at the conclusion that they are perfect just the way they are. Still others drown themselves in mindless TV or video games that offer them respite from dealing with themselves.

And yet deep inside we know that we are perfect. We were born perfect and came from perfection. If what we came from – call it God, Source, Creator or Universe – were looking at you or me what would s/he see?  To understand that we need to understand the quality of perfection. Perfection sees perfection in all things. If you take a drop from the ocean and carry it a 1,000 miles away it would still have all the properties of the ocean – salinity, fluidity and density. You cannot strip it away from the drop. The same goes for us. We are beings of light, love and perfection. Putting us in dense bodies doesn’t take that away from us. We still are an essence of our creator. In other words the entire universe lives within us and we within the universe.

The separation is not real and when we begin to see that, we see perfection first in ourselves and then in everything around us. Does perfection mean we makes no mistakes? No. It means we don’t beat ourselves up over those mistakes. We accept who we are, how we look, how we feel and all the other 10,000 things that go with being a human being.

From acceptance comes love, an unconditional love that loves the crooked nose or the frizzy hair, the sensitive side and the sour moods. It is utter acceptance and love without questioning your perfection. Remember you are unique and there is no one else out there quite like you – not even your identical twin can replace you! You are a puzzle piece that fits even if you think you have a funny shape.

If you could see through the eyes of perfection, you’ll see that you try too hard to be what you are not, forgetting that you are great just the way you are and that you can do wonders if you simply set aside your doubts and misgivings and embrace 100% of you – undiluted and uncensored.

When you see perfection in yourself then you will not tolerate people who deliberately point at your flaws as a way to either make them feel better or a way to bring you down. At first you get defensive and even angry and then you realize that their mirror is cloudy and there is nothing you can do about it, except hand them a cloth and hope they will get to cleaning it soon. And if they don’t, then walk away and stop looking in their cloudy mirror.

Have you ever handed a mirror to a baby and had the feeling that the baby really doesn’t know it is looking at its own reflection.  Can you look back and see when in your life you stopped admiring the face staring back at you in the mirror? Why did you stop? Didn’t you come from that perfect baby who didn’t judge itself so harshly?

Go back to your perfection. Feel it deep inside of you every day. That is how the Universe sees you. As part of its perfect infinite self. And when you do the world will right itself.

30 Days of Gratitude

So I successfully posted one thing I was thankful for every day in November. Here is the complete list.

Day 1

I am thankful for the chance to start our life over in the U.S.A.

Day 2

I am thankful for my own beautiful space to think and be

Day 3

I am thankful for my tribe of sisters who have stood with me through thick and thin. Dedicating the upcoming posts to each one of them.

Day 4

I am thankful for my dear friend Shoms who has been around since the day I was born and continues to be there for me, pray for me and guide me (she even secretly follows me around all over the globe!) I love you and I’m eternally grateful that God put you in my life.

Day 5

I am thankful for my soul sister Namami who believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself and pushed me to be the best version of myself through her wonderful example. So so thankful that our paths crossed.

Day 6

I am thankful for my little sister Gayatri who has shown such courage, hard work, discipline and perseverance over the past several years. She is not afraid to chase her dreams and has inspired me to do the same. Love you to the moon and back and you are such a blessing in my life.

Day 7

I am thankful for my little sister Latha who reminded me to practice gratitude when I really needed to and who egged me on to finish my book. Thank you for being there for me.

Day 8

I am thankful for Hema who went out of her way to help me when I was in India struggling to keep my head above the water. She gave me hope, her husband helped my husband secure an interview and she still keeps checking on us and praying for us. Thankful for angels like her in my life.

Day 9

Today I am thankful for my children Anjali and Nitin who see humor in even the most solemn situations, who remind me to laugh and let me see that life is not about the big things but about the littlest of things – a warm hug, a snuggle, a giggle or breaking into a song or dance. Love you both to the moon and back.

Day 10

I am thankful for my parents who have always been there for me no matter what and who have shown me that being a parent doesn’t mean being perfect but trying to do your best in every situation. Love you both very much and wishing you a very happy anniversary and many more to come.

Day 11

I am thankful for our friends Raghu and Swastika who have been so helpful during this time. For being patient and taking the time to help us sort out stuff. We miss being neighbors with you and hope we meet again soon.

Day 12

I am thankful for good food on my table and for above average cooking skills.

Day 13

I am thankful for my brother Dinesh who has been around since I was 2 1/2 and has grown up to be an dashing young man. I’m thankful for the crazy times we had together making up jokes and laughing till the wee hours of the morning. I’m thankful for your unique and deep insights when I most need them. Most of all I’m thankful for your support through really tough times when I felt alone in the world. Love you and wish you have a very happy birthday and many more to come.

Day 14

I am thankful for children, not just my own, but the many I have come in contact with over the years through teaching and volunteering in schools. Their innocence, lack of guile and unconditional love always leave me speechless. If you are weary of this world, simply spend a day with a child and see your joy rising and hope returning to your cynical life. Thankful for all the little yogis and tiny Zen masters of the world. Happy Children’s Day!

Day 15

I am thankful for my brother Rohit for being my body guard in the streets of Chennai and for always being protective of me. We have laughed endlessly, shared our burdens and teased each other mercilessly. Even though he is far away, I know he cares and will do anything for me. And for that I am deeply grateful.

Day 16

I am thankful for my Valliamma who has always been around for my family. Illness, birth of a baby, trips out of the country, she is always there, a steady presence providing support, love and care. Love you Valliamma and I am very fortunate to have you in my life.

Day 17

I am thanful for my aunts, Uma chitta and Sridevi chitta, strong hardworking women who have crossed numerous hurdles to get to where they are today. Their steel grit and determination to succeed is admirable as is their poise and elegance. Love you both very much

Day 18

I am thankful for a good education from one of the finest schools in India – Good Shepherd Higher Secondary School. My love for the English language, good manners, a broad-minded and inclusive outlook and much more, I owe to this school which was truly my second home. I am thankful for the wonderful and dedicated teachers who nurtured our minds and expanded our perspective of the world. To this day they care about every student whose lives were touched by them. Thank you my sweet teachers and it is a honor to have graduated from Good Shepherd.

Day 19

I am thankful for my alma mater, Women’s Christian College, where I met an amazing group of girls and teachers and soaked in the history of the place that has been around since the pre-independence era. Lighted to lighten, a motto that many of us have taken seriously as we continue to shine on in our varied worldly roles.

Day 20

I am thankful for my 2nd alma mater, Madras University, where I turned my love of writing to a degree that would one day help me earn a living. Also met some great girls who are still my buddies. Beach combing at 2.00 in the afternoon, matinee movies with the whole class and a trip to Munnar. So much fun and learning packed into 2 short years.

Day 21

I am thankful for good books and public libraries that take you out of the mundane and into other realms, make you forget your worries while you dwell on their pages and shelves. So much so that I forgot to post this yesterday…had my nose buried in a book about a cat named “Cleo” by Helen Brown.

Day 22

I am thankful for Senthil who landed me a job in India and continues to mentor me and send opportunities my way. He would do anything for a friend and I’m glad our paths crossed 15 years ago.

Day 23

I am thankful for the joys of baking and an oven. Sorely missed it when I was in Chennai. Have a key-lime pie baking in my oven and will be dusting off my lasagna pan tomorrow. Nothing like the smell of melted cheese and tomato sauce wafting through the house.

Day 24

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Today I am thankful for food, family and the holidays. At the same time I want to take a moment to pray for those who don’t have food on their table, are not with their family for various reasons and also for those who don’t have holidays. I hope and pray one day everyone would have more than enough to eat and lots of things to be thankful for, like I do today. God Bless everyone.

Day 25

I am thankful for my blog, it has taken me places I never dreamed I could go and connected me with so many wonderful readers. Blogging is like sharing a part of yourself and it is mostly fun but sometimes excruciatingly painful to bare your feelings. But it also extremely rewarding and satisfying. One of the best things I did was create www.punctuatelife.com

Day 26

I am thankful for Reema Moudgil who has been a constant source of support and encouragement since I started blogging. She is a gifted writer and beautiful soul and I have been a recipient of her generosity many times. Glad that our paths crossed.

Day 27

I am thankful today for nature, her boundless beauty, her colorful seasons, her thirst quenching rain storms and her nurturing harvest. She reminds me that we worry too much and that we will be taken care of like the flowers and the weeds.

Day 28

I am thankful for gods, goddesses, angels and saints who guide us with unseen hands and embrace us when things go terribly wrong. If it were not for love, faith and hope we’d be dead inside.

Day 29

I am thankful for good health without which it is impossible to enjoy or even be grateful for any of the other blessings. I am usually thankful for it only when I fall sick, which is quite infrequently. Today as I nurse a cold, I was reminded to be thankful for health and well-being.

Day 30

Today I am thankful for blessings that are yet to come. I am thankful for a meaningful way to offer my talents and services to the world and be rewarded for it. I am thankful for beautiful relationships that honor and bring out the best in me and others. I am thankful for unity, peace, stability and abundance for all citizens of the world.

What I have learnt from this exercise is that you can never run out of things to be thankful for. Every day is a gift and every breath a blessing. Say thank you quietly in your mind for everything in your life from the time you wake up. Running water to brush my teeth – thank you. The beautiful sunrise – thank you. A nutritious breakfast – thank you. Nice clothes to wear – thank you. A car to take me to work – thank you. And the list goes on.

 

Walking into the Unknown

It’s a scary place to be. The vast openness in front of you. Myriad intertwining paths stretching across the horizon as far as the eye can see. Fear immobilizes you. One wrong step and you think all will be lost. How sad it is sweet child that you have forgotten where you have come from. Squeezed out of a dark and snug chamber through a narrow canal, forced to breathe that air which was alien to you a second ago. Deprived of your continuous supply of nourishment, you had to latch on and suckle to survive. From simply being you were pushed into doing. You had to learn the tricks of this brand new world. Cry to get attention so your needs could be met – needs that did not exist before your birth. And isn’t it a wonder that you did incredibly well, although you had no idea what to expect.

Yet you falter when faced with the unknown. When uncertainty looms large, you fret and fume, cemented to your narrow path, unable to make a choice. Until you are pushed own the rabbit hole, forced to take a plunge and fill your hearts with courage. Why must you be afraid? The same force that birthed you and made you take in that first breath of fresh air, will nudge you along the right direction. If only you are patient and quieten your mind to listen to its guidance. For it is always there. It is like the background noise of a dripping faucet that you learn to tune out. But if you tune out  everything else, the noise becomes ominously loud – too loud to ignore. Follow that guidance and it will never fail you. It will in time take you where you are meant to go.

When I made my appearance into this world, my hip was dislocated and I wasn’t breathing. I could have made an exit without my first breath of air, without ever being held in my mother’s arms, without ever crying. Miraculously I survived but I was not out of the doghouse yet. Was my brain damaged because I was deprived of oxygen? Would my hip fix itself and would I ever walk normally? These were not questions that ran through my head. I was too small to know or even remember any of this. My parents didn’t know either. But when I visited my pediatrician, she would give thanks for every milestone I crossed. For she was the one who saved me from the jaws of death as I lay lifeless in her arms. She was witness to the miraculous power that let me live and thrive.

I don’t doubt for a second that help is always available for those who ask. But we must have the courage to follow through even in the face of imminent disapproval. Only we can hear our inner voice. We cannot let the voices of others drown it. Nor can we allow the noise of the world obliterate it. We cannot let fear dictate our actions. We have to trudge forward in full faith that the force that birthed us will take us home.

Uncertainty and Surrender

For a couple of years now we have been grappling with uncertainty. That strange feeling of not being in control and not knowing where you are headed. It started the year we left Florida. We were supposed to come back to India but somehow ended up in Washington. There again I knew we wouldn’t be staying for long. Every decision and interaction was colored by that knowledge. We all pulled on with bated breaths not knowing what to expect.

That was nothing compared to the state of flux we find ourselves in now. Everything seems to be up in the air, in space, nebulous as I stand gaping open mouthed for it to fall into my outstretched arms. Every day I wait and I return empty handed. The shapes dance and swim out of my vision – mocking me and enticing me with promising futures.

I lie in bed thinking of the world I left behind and the irony of it all is that I had wanted to leave – not when I had but many moons ago. I wanted to come back to something familiar, something certain. Something solid to build our lives on. Not a shifting and shaking earth. I have finally come back but that old familiar feeling has long gone. Gone are my cousins, brother, grandma, friends and so many places and people that made Chennai special. Made Chennai home. Home is a stable and secure place where we can be our best possible selves. But here I find myself flailing in my new surroundings trying to find my sea legs in this tremulous place. I’m not on solid ground. No terra firma here. Just undulating waves of uncertainty that wash you to uninhabited shores. So what does one do?

Uncertainty is part of life you say and I agree. Life wouldn’t be interesting if there weren’t some twists and turns every  now and then. But when uncertainty decides to make your life its primary dwelling place then things can get really sticky. After a point every waking moment is tinged in uncertainty that you simply cannot push it to some corner of your brain. It becomes every breath, every thought. Every instant you struggle with that hollow feeling deep inside and very soon the uncertainty turns into fear. Fear of the future and fear of failure.

Finally when my over wrought nerves could take it no more I sought refuge in God. I pleaded, I begged, I prayed but the uncertainty lingered on. It became bigger and bigger and harder to ignore. At long last when none of the old tricks worked I decided to stop fighting life and to simply surrender. There was no use straining, the shackles only became painfully tighter. No use swimming against the current to attain the unattainable. Let the waves lash, let the emotions smother you and let every damn security you invested in come crashing down. When you lie there stripped of everything, cold and trembling with your head held low in an act of complete and utter surrender, an outstretched hand appears to lift you up and out of the raging waters and soothes your troubled soul. To wipe the tears of frustration and show you hope. Hold on to that hand and never let go for it will take you to where you belong – home.

I Thought I was Alone…

You can be surrounded by a room full of people and still feel alone…alone in your frustrating circumstances, grappling with seemingly inconsequential problems that no one really sees as problems. How you wish you had someone who would understand! How you wish you could draw strength from your loved ones and fall back on their support! And sometimes the very people who have supported you, fall on hard times. How can you turn to them when they can barely keep afloat? How can they save you from your pain? Ultimately no one can save you and you need to find your strength and pull yourself together. But as humans we also need to connect with others and seek solace in their company.

I was in a limbo, a week ago. Kids had finished a year of school. My contract with the company I was working for was ending. There was a lot of uncertainty in the air and I was feeling the weight of the long year full of challenges and not really looking forward to more of the same. I hadn’t blogged in a while and just couldn’t find any motivation. As I kept sinking into oblivion and praying for redemption at the same time, something magical happened. R sent me an inspiring video that nudged me out of my stupor. I wrote and published a post on my blog, the very same day.

The next day my friend S sent me a message asking how I was doing and sent me prayers and good vibes. Another friend from Florida called me and spoke to me for hours, praising me for sticking it out for a year and not giving up (I know how many times I did and then had to push myself to keep going!) Then several other friends sent me encouraging messages after reading my blog. All of them lifted me up and out of my pity party and I felt reassured in the midst of all their comforting support.

Yesterday I went to see my friend’s grandma who was also my pediatrician for years. Frail of frame at the age of 94 and pushing herself with a walker, her eyes lit up when she saw me. I sat beside her, basking in her comforting presence. She held my hand the whole time squeezing it ever so gently every now and then and told me she would pray for me. Her prayers brought me back from the dead, so many years ago when I was born breached and wasn’t breathing. And as I sat there I realized that the same force that had brought her to my rescue had given me this chance to be in her healing presence. I looked up and on the wall in front of me was a picture of Jesus.

My friend’s Dad reminded me of what my friend had been through and how everything turned out ok in the end even though he had given up all hope. Good things happen when you least expect it, he said. We just need to keep going on and then suddenly the thing you were chasing will fall into your lap. I left their home which is named “Serene” by the way, feeling so at peace, like giant loving arms were embracing me tightly.

Maybe I am trying too hard to make things work when I have absolutely no control over any of this. None of us do and so many of us are hurting because we feel helpless. Personal challenges and the horrors of the world are being unleashed on us. We look around for the ones who always saved us and see them stumbling and falling. Fear can only live when we isolate ourselves and cut ourselves off from all the support available. And sometimes it is not easily available and we think our numerous pleadings have fallen on divine deaf ears. Help may come from the most unexpected of places but it does come if we are open and it nudges us towards greater happiness if we allow it.

Another magical meeting arranged by the universe also happened yesterday and I met an old friend from my days at the Women’s Christian College and Madras University. She too moved to Boston after she got married and we used to meet quite often. I hadn’t met her since 2007 when she left Boston for Chennai. As a writer, she keeps checking on my progress and she came just when I needed to brush off that dusty memoir and get cracking on the next chapter. A writers group that she is a part of is also something I need to get into to inject some discipline into my otherwise erratic writing habits.

When it rains it pours! And the floodgates are open so to speak. As I receive support, more seems to be coming in and I am thankful that I don’t have to go through this all alone. I am opening up to more magic, revelations and miracles in my life.

Hang in there if you feel like you are on a roller coaster and you are all alone. You are not! And help is just an arm’s stretch away…may you find the support, healing, peace, joy and abundance you are looking for. God Bless You!