I have stayed positive, written in my gratitude journal, prayed every day and tried to be one with your flow. And nothing! Zilch!
I know you hate it when I live in the past but I can’t help it. Just look at last year – 2012. It was nothing short of magical. You got me writing again after a long hiatus and people were actually reading my posts! You egged me on to start my own website and I did. It was scary but I got all the support I needed thanks to you. I even got my posts published in other websites. I started off with zero confidence in my skills as a writer and by the December of 2012 you had me thinking that I could write a book! I felt free, fully alive and at the height of my creativity.
Magical meetings with old friends, a trip to India at very short notice to attend my cousin’s wedding and miraculous healing – you made all this and more possible! The new year 2013 looked full of promise and I happily jumped headlong into it. And then splat! I fell on my face! Without any warning. It was painful. I felt abandoned. The magic was gone. The creativity barely trickling. I had a good mind to quit and go hide in the bowels of the earth where no one would find me. But I had kids who looked up to me and I had readers I was accountable to. And then there was my baby – my website.
It took all of my strength to keep myself from sinking into dark despair and deep depression. Everyday I told myself that things would get better. I just need to keep at it. The creativity will flow again. This dry spell will pass. Month after month went by in banality, half-alive, hanging by a thread.
You sent many distractions my way to shift my focus. People who needed support, prayers and healing. It was your way of preventing me from having a meltdown. As much as I appreciate what you did I can’t help asking – where was the support I so badly needed. Why were you holding it back from me?
It’s July now and things haven’t changed. I wanted a fresh start, something different but you thwarted it. So I’m back to where I started. Sometimes I just want to scream till I can scream no more. It’s like every cell in my body is calling out for help. But you turn a deaf ear to me.
Yes you keep sending me signs – pennies here, clover leaves there, butterflies everywhere. Just the other day I was walking in the mall and having a conversation with you. I give up. I can’t take this anymore! I look down and I see a penny. Very funny!
You know how patient I’ve been. You know how long I have waited to finally do what I love and then you just expect me to give up the binky cold turkey?
Maybe I should just write off this year. It’s sort of like a ‘test year’ isn’t it? You are watching me and watching my every move. You want to know if I will throw it all away when the frustration peaks. Or do I want it so bad that I will keep on going on even though it feels like I have iron shackles on my feet. You want to see if I have truly overcome the demons of the past that keep dragging me down away from your light. Will I still be able to spread the light, despite fear and doubt gnawing at my heart.
Are you happy with the way I dealt with everything you threw at me this year? I think so! The struggle was under the surface. Outside it was business as usual – kids, blog and everyday life. I watched others struggle with major crises in their lives. The drama in the world escalated. It was hard to wake up every day to the constant chatter of death, injustice and despair.
But through your infinite grace you sent little rays of light in what would have otherwise been an endless tunnel of darkness. Although the magic had temporarily left my life I could see it unfolding in the lives of many a friend. Friends who had waited patiently for many years, praying and hoping for something to manifest. Folks in a slump who found renewed strength and pulled themselves up to face the world again. It made me feel so happy and thankful to finally see them have breakthroughs.
On a final note, I have no idea what your plans for me are. Why don’t you just surprise me? In the mean time I have enough evidence from my own life and from friends and family to simply sit tight and wait it out. I know you are busy working things out for me now. In your own way. In your own time. All I can do is trust and stay open until you work your magic again.
22 thoughts on “Dear Universe…”
Writer’s inspiration leaving is no joke…Whew! But I love when the universe winks at me. I could use a wink! =)
Thanks for stopping by Eva…
Hmmm. Quite a rant. Sounds like a lot of resistance and as you know, the universe and resistance don’t go together. You know what action to take, and likely how to be. Your ending paragraph went in that direction.
It is somehow satisfying to hear a rant though! Thanks for sharing yours.
Patricia, maybe you are right. I need to look at what it is I’m resisting…Thanks for stopping by!
You just never know what’s flowing through someone’s mind. Your posts are all so thoughtful and thought provoking it would be difficult if not impossible to think that you lack for inspiration or focus. Perhaps you were so busy giving inspiration to the rest of us, that you forgot to save a little for yourself. Fortunately, the universe is abundant and sometimes all you need to do is ask.
When I feel hemmed in or frustrated I turn to things that will make me think in different ways, a good book or some quick videos on TED will generally do the trick of getting me started, but what works best of all is reaching out to friends and famly. 🙂
Debra you are an angel to say those kind words about my writing. It’s just that last year inspiration simply flowed non-stop and these days it seems forced. That’s all.
Beautiful post. The universe tends to work in our favor when we open ourselves up to doing our part accordingly. Great share.
–Visiting from BHB Linked In Group
A writer’s relationship with their muse is a difficult one but a necessary one. Consider it incubation time until the universe nudges you to success.
We have all been right where you have been. Blogging is a very lonely life at times. Just remember the times you mentioned when there was little rays of sunlight. Grasp those and keep moving forward. 🙂
Thanks Susan. It’s not lonely anymore now that I have this BHB group and all you wonderful supportive bloggers!
It’s so hard to look at a blank page and know where to begin. May I recommend Elizabeth Gilbert’s excellent TED talk? She talks about creativity and how it comes, how to use it and how not to feel totally discouraged when you feel, as she puts it, like “an empty vessel.” Don’t be so hard on yourself! And don’t give up …
Thanks Krystyna. I will definitely look up Ms. Gilbert’s TED talk.
Isn’t it a b*tch when your muse is being a b*tch? Write on!
(Met you on BHB).
I get frustrated in so many ways when the inspiration for writing seems to disappear. The best fix for me has always been to completely change my situation. The mind can be its own worst enemy when it comes to repeating routines that produce little positive output.
I agree with you Jeri – routine really bores me!
You know the answers, if you’re honest with yourself. Hang in there – patience and time will do the rest. x
The Universe is the Universe all pervading but terribly neutral neither for nor against anyone.
Maybe sometimes we should jump feet first and not headlong LOL. The alternative you dreamed may have been worse and maybe He is actually saving you; the Universe maybe just making a pit stop and fuelled up and trod with new tyres it may zoom ahead faster next.
True Papa. I know now why the universe didn’t bring me what I wanted 🙂
I have to say is you can write like that you really don’t have the problems you think you do. Just remember as big as the universe is we are all a part of it. You will find the answers because you are asking questions.
Thanks for your comment Arleen. I was talking about life in general, not just my writing…It’s hard to explain because I don’t see the whole picture now…
I also go thro the periods of empty and void but it is brief I chant I pray and talk to lots of people this way the brain gets its nourishment and the emptiness just disappears I feel thers a lot to do even mentally cos physically my body is not stretching that far as it used to do before but I found a new avenue to channelise my energies and its sheer bliss and joy all the time so don’t give up and go on ….
Thanks Sreelatha. Wish I could hold on to the bliss and joy 24/7!