Thanks to the recession and the rise in unemployment, I’ve been doling out advice to my friends who are out of work and actively looking. Believe in yourself! Keep trying! Something will show up! But I’m not good enough they say and I point out how wonderful their resumes are and how many years of experience they have. I almost always never fail to mention my resume and the big hole in it (the years I spent staying home and caring for my beautiful babies) and the little or no work experience I had before that. And then they would feel better and eventually they would get jobs. I can’t count the number of times I put myself down and compared myself and my life to that of friends, just to make them feel better about themselves. And everytime I did that my words were slowly getting etched in my brain and slowly turning into this belief – this self-sabotaging belief.
So then I finally decide to go back to work and I’m wondering why nobody responds to my e-mails and why nobody wants to hire me. And the belief gets stronger. You stayed home too long. You don’t have enough experience. Your brain has degenerated. You are dumb! You are not worth it! Nobody wants you! I was writing affirmations everyday – I now accept this new and wonderful job and watching you tube videos that promise to attract money and income, while my mind is on a totally different frequency playing mostly blues! And everyday it is the same – no responses, no calls, no job, nothing. A month goes by and I quit. I just go about my daily chores and pretend I’m happy. And then this thing inside me grows, I get so restless that I want to get a job. Back to sending resumes, writing e-mails and giving advice to friends without jobs. And then it strikes me. Here I am giving advice and not following my own advice. Keep trying I tell them and I give up after a month! I’ve got to keep trying. Something will show up. So I spend 3 -4 four months trying and I finally land a part-time job. I can’t believe it! I’ve broken the jinx. The 9 year jinx!
The job lasts 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. Then I quit and stay home to take care of my daughter who broke her arm. I tell everyone that I quit because my daughter broke her arm and while I’m saying those words I know that’s not true. Why? Because I’m happy being home, not having to rush to work on Saturday mornings, not having a crazy schedule on Tuesday evenings. I was appalled at myself. By God D.C., you are one lazy lout! And then I stop myself because I’m overly obsessed with positive thinking.
So it’s back to square one. What did I do wrong now? And ta da! Another book drops on my lap from the heavens. A book on hypnosis. No, I didn’t hypnotise myself and secure a job in a trance. But the book spoke at length about the nature of the conscious and subconscious mind. My conscious mind was the culprit. The lazy, happy-where-it-is, couldn’t-care-less-about-changing part of me. Now if I could just get a lobotomy and do away with that pesky little conscious mind, life would be sweet.
Looking back, while driving to work (when I had this short-lived job) I could feel part of me resisting, unhappy with all the adjustments I had to make in order to get to work. It worked against me. And I just thought it was something on the outside. Like the boss or the pay or the timings or infinite other excuses. Never did I take responsibility for those feelings. Now I have and the saga continues. I think I have broken the disconnect between my internal and external reality. Hope this time it works. I will keep you posted when I land my dream job. But for now, I’m doing what I love i.e. writing this advice column!