For a couple of years now we have been grappling with uncertainty. That strange feeling of not being in control and not knowing where you are headed. It started the year we left Florida. We were supposed to come back to India but somehow ended up in Washington. There again I knew we wouldn’t be staying for long. Every decision and interaction was colored by that knowledge. We all pulled on with bated breaths not knowing what to expect.
That was nothing compared to the state of flux we find ourselves in now. Everything seems to be up in the air, in space, nebulous as I stand gaping open mouthed for it to fall into my outstretched arms. Every day I wait and I return empty handed. The shapes dance and swim out of my vision – mocking me and enticing me with promising futures.
I lie in bed thinking of the world I left behind and the irony of it all is that I had wanted to leave – not when I had but many moons ago. I wanted to come back to something familiar, something certain. Something solid to build our lives on. Not a shifting and shaking earth. I have finally come back but that old familiar feeling has long gone. Gone are my cousins, brother, grandma, friends and so many places and people that made Chennai special. Made Chennai home. Home is a stable and secure place where we can be our best possible selves. But here I find myself flailing in my new surroundings trying to find my sea legs in this tremulous place. I’m not on solid ground. No terra firma here. Just undulating waves of uncertainty that wash you to uninhabited shores. So what does one do?
Uncertainty is part of life you say and I agree. Life wouldn’t be interesting if there weren’t some twists and turns every now and then. But when uncertainty decides to make your life its primary dwelling place then things can get really sticky. After a point every waking moment is tinged in uncertainty that you simply cannot push it to some corner of your brain. It becomes every breath, every thought. Every instant you struggle with that hollow feeling deep inside and very soon the uncertainty turns into fear. Fear of the future and fear of failure.
Finally when my over wrought nerves could take it no more I sought refuge in God. I pleaded, I begged, I prayed but the uncertainty lingered on. It became bigger and bigger and harder to ignore. At long last when none of the old tricks worked I decided to stop fighting life and to simply surrender. There was no use straining, the shackles only became painfully tighter. No use swimming against the current to attain the unattainable. Let the waves lash, let the emotions smother you and let every damn security you invested in come crashing down. When you lie there stripped of everything, cold and trembling with your head held low in an act of complete and utter surrender, an outstretched hand appears to lift you up and out of the raging waters and soothes your troubled soul. To wipe the tears of frustration and show you hope. Hold on to that hand and never let go for it will take you to where you belong – home.
9 thoughts on “Uncertainty and Surrender”
Wish I could put a big thumbs up for this one and so I will…👍. You should never stop sharing your thoughts. There are more in this world who just get what you’re going through because the similar thoughts haunt us. Big hugs Dums!
Big hugs Shoms for being my biggest cheerleader! Yes we all share a vulnerability and pathos that connects us.
Thanks Namami. Glad to have you back here…
Liked it much for the beautiful language and expressions ……of your innermost feelings .
Uncertainty is also a reality and the sooner we embrace it the easier it becomes to deal with it too. Recently someone very close to me was diagnosed with stage 2 cancer and it hit us like one of those big trucks you see on interstate highways. Life is fragile and for a month we lived in uncertainty – will treatments work, did we do something wrong?, is life worth trying and living?, how will we recover from this one? However eager prayers helped and slowly things became better and we are still standing to tell the story. This scenario helped re-calibrate our life and what we think is important. As long you define this and know whats important uncertainty cannot scare you. It could turn out to be a blessing in the end.
Monisha, I’m praying for your loved one. Hang in there…medicine is so advanced these days that cancer is no longer a scary diagnosis. I know I am going through this phase in my life for a reason – maybe to get really clear about what is important to me and what matters in life.
Praying for things to settle down soon. Please take care and stay strong. As you always believe on Prayers can do miracles and be assured that there is one more soul here to pray for your happiness and peace. Love you loads
Thank you Hema for caring, reaching out and helping. God bless you and your family.